LISTS
“Elbow Bump Me, I’m Irish,” And Four Other Modifications For A Safe, Socially Distant St. Patty’s Day
1. Elbow bump your favorite Irish-American. “Kiss me, I’m Irish” is so last year, you know, the year there wasn’t a global...
Top Ways The 2020 Dining Hall Closings Will Affect Student Life
Tough Housing Choices: The Saybrook rats are scrambling to find off-campus apartments for 2020 after yesterday’s big dining hall announcement.
Worst Residential College Dining Halls (Updated)
From Worst to Best:
Pauli Murray - Too far Benjamin Franklin - Where this guy named Trent...
Most Popular Write-In Candidates At The Iowa Caucus
Harambe Sanders
Eli Sabin
Lightning McQueen
Billie “Eilish” Mays
My...
NEWSROOM
Scientists Develop Breakthrough AI, Turns Out to Be Major Fucking Asshole
CERN, SWITZERLAND — Scientists working at a quantum computing laboratory in Switzerland shocked the world earlier this week by announcing the development...
Report: Record Writer Available To Hang Out Whenever, Just Come On By
Multiple outlets reported this week that Yale Record Contributor Joe Wickline is a fun and down-to-earth guy who’s available to hang out...
I’ll Bet Those Protestors Drove To The Game, Reports Local Smartass
In a Facebook post Sunday sharing a link to ESPN’s coverage of the Harvard-Yale game, local smartass Dan Dyslin ingeniously commented “I’ll bet $20...
Peter Salovey Spotted Selling Chakra Crystals On Cross Campus
NEW HAVEN, CT—Last week, several students reported seeing Yale President Peter Salovey reclining in a lawn chair on Cross Campus next to a sign...
Facebook Post Resurrects Jesus
TOWNVILLE, MONTANA—When Krisha Silverson, 33, chimed in on Facebook with her opinion on gun redistribution, she had a hunch that her post would go...
Hong Kong Is An Inseparable Part Of China, Says Student Who Took Half A Semester Of Chinese
Amidst global news coverage of student-led demonstrations challenging China’s rule over Hong Kong, Corey Perkins ‘22 issued a proclamation Tuesday on his personal Twitter...
The Part Of The Mueller Report The Media Isn’t Reporting
This afternoon, the full redacted Mueller Report was revealed to the public. Most news outlets are missing this key paragraph:
—D. Hou & H. Rubin
President Salovey Asks Dean Chun What ER&M Stands For Again
NEW HAVEN, CT—After thirteen professors withdrew from the Ethnicity, Race, and Migration program on Friday, President Peter Salovey in an email expressed regret over...
