LISTS
Signs Your Dad Might Secretly Be a Furry
He loves picking you up by the scruff of your neck.
He refuses to call an exterminator for the raccoon in the attic,...
“Say Yes to the Dress” Spinoffs That Didn’t Make it to Air
From the Fashion Issue
Say Okay to the Toupee
Say At Least It Was Free to the Schwarzman Center Tee
Say I Can’t Believe...
Creative Activities For Your Company’s Corporate Retreat
Guess who wrote that passive-aggressive note on the yogurt
“Fix” the Q2 2017 income statements to account for the $10 million discrepancy in...
The Record’s Top Seven Elevator Conversation Starters
Happy Monday! Have you checked out the new herbal teas in the employee break room? Also, please kill me.
I have been growing...
NEWSROOM
The Part Of The Mueller Report The Media Isn’t Reporting
This afternoon, the full redacted Mueller Report was revealed to the public. Most news outlets are missing this key paragraph:
—C. Cohen, D. Hou &...
President Salovey Asks Dean Chun What ER&M Stands For Again
NEW HAVEN, CT—After thirteen professors withdrew from the Ethnicity, Race, and Migration program on Friday, President Peter Salovey in an email expressed regret over...
Future Pulitzer-Winning Investigative Reporter Hits Stacy With “Who Do You Like?” During Truth or Dare
SALEM, CT – For most 11-year-old girls, sleepovers are an opportunity to bond with friends, watch movies, and chow down on some fun snacks....
Local Teen Detained By Homeland Security For Repeatedly Referring To Slumber Party As “Sleeper Cell”
SOUTH OTSELIC, NY—Hailing it as an “inspired example of multi-agency cooperation” and “tactful use” of breaching charges placed against the door of the Brown...
Leaked Copy Of Trump’s Answers To The Dummy “Which Sex and the City Character Are You” Quiz BuzzFeed Reporters Used To Get The Cohen-Russia Scoop
Who’s your ideal man?
Mr. Big
Steve Brady
Trey MacDougal
My longtime attorney, Michael Cohen, who I personally instructed to lie to Congress...
Student Finally Joins Local DSA After Fifth Unsuccessful Tinder Date
NEW HAVEN, CT -- After yet another disappointing first date at the Shake Shack on Chapel Street, Devin Hostleman '21 has sworn off Tinder...
Peabody 1 To Become Four-Story Patagonia Megastore
NEW HAVEN, CT — In a report issued Tuesday to the city of New Haven, Patagonia, Inc. has announced plans to complete their buyout of...
Embattled DKE Rebrands to LEO
NEW HAVEN, CT — Facing yet another wave of censure for its hostile sexual climate and countless confirmed allegations of assault, including those leveled...
