LISTS
20 Ways Democrats Could Still Lose the 2020 Presidential Race
Accidentally misdirecting campaign funds for the important swing state of Florida to the New England suburb of Florida, Massachusetts.Somehow managing to...
Best Places To Live If You Got Denied On-Campus Housing
Are you a sophomore aching to be back in sweet old New Haven? Are you a junior forced out of the super-old,...
Best Alternatives To “Piggy-Backing Off Of That Thought”
To hijack that thought-bus,To ascend to section asshole status,To reiterate what the person before me just said in more eloquent language...
Animal Kingdoms Collide! Matching Every Tiger King Character to their Lion King Counterpart
Joe Exotic - Scar
Scar hails from royalty but he won’t settle for anything less...
NEWSROOM
Joe Biden Addresses the Pandemic: TRANSCRIPT
BIDEN: My fellow Americans, I’m—is this, is it going? Oh! Okay, well. Hello there, Facebook. Here’s the deal: today, we’re facing a...
“I Have Made A Mistake,” Says Man With House Full Of Toilets
SARASOTA, FL— “I have made a mistake,” Sarasota native Frank Clarkson said, as the realization sunk in that he should not have...
University Of Phoenix To Begin Offering In-Person Lectures
PHOENIX, AZ — In a statement Tuesday, University of Phoenix President Peter Cohen announced that the online institution will begin offering lectures...
With 62.5% of Precincts Reporting, Mayor Pete Buttigieg Announced As Spring Fling Headliner
NEW HAVEN- In a victory speech Wednesday, Mayor Pete Buttigieg announced to a surprised crowd that he had won the spot as...
Scientists Develop Breakthrough AI, Turns Out to Be Major Fucking Asshole
CERN, SWITZERLAND — Scientists working at a quantum computing laboratory in Switzerland shocked the world earlier this week by announcing the development...
Report: Record Writer Available To Hang Out Whenever, Just Come On By
Multiple outlets reported this week that Yale Record Contributor Joe Wickline is a fun and down-to-earth guy who’s available to hang out...
I’ll Bet Those Protestors Drove To The Game, Reports Local Smartass
In a Facebook post Sunday sharing a link to ESPN’s coverage of the Harvard-Yale game, local smartass Dan Dyslin ingeniously commented “I’ll bet $20...
Peter Salovey Spotted Selling Chakra Crystals On Cross Campus
NEW HAVEN, CT—Last week, several students reported seeing Yale President Peter Salovey reclining in a lawn chair on Cross Campus next to a sign...
