LISTS
Top 10 Headlines If Coronavirus Didn’t Happen
Mask Sales on the Rise, but Only Because They Look Cool900,000 Alive Globally–Why Wouldn’t They Be?Howard Bump Ridiculed for His Stupid...
20 Ways Democrats Could Still Lose the 2020 Presidential Race
Accidentally misdirecting campaign funds for the important swing state of Florida to the New England suburb of Florida, Massachusetts.Somehow managing to...
Best Places To Live If You Got Denied On-Campus Housing
Are you a sophomore aching to be back in sweet old New Haven? Are you a junior forced out of the super-old,...
Best Alternatives To “Piggy-Backing Off Of That Thought”
To hijack that thought-bus,To ascend to section asshole status,To reiterate what the person before me just said in more eloquent language...
NEWSROOM
Yale Student Hunger Strikes for No Particular Cause
NEW HAVEN, CT—In an inspiring display of solidarity with something or other, Yale student Greg Gronson ‘23 began a hunger strike protest...
Yale Dining Announces Beer Week
NEW HAVEN, CT — Following the cult-like success of Citrus Week and the outcry following the cancellation of Olive Oil week, Yale...
Harper B. Tragically Diagnosed with Cooties
This article originally appeared in the Just for Kids Issue, completed in March 2020.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON—In what school nurse Amy...
Joe Biden Addresses the Pandemic: TRANSCRIPT
BIDEN: My fellow Americans, I’m—is this, is it going? Oh! Okay, well. Hello there, Facebook. Here’s the deal: today, we’re facing a...
“I Have Made A Mistake,” Says Man With House Full Of Toilets
SARASOTA, FL— “I have made a mistake,” Sarasota native Frank Clarkson said, as the realization sunk in that he should not have...
University Of Phoenix To Begin Offering In-Person Lectures
PHOENIX, AZ — In a statement Tuesday, University of Phoenix President Peter Cohen announced that the online institution will begin offering lectures...
With 62.5% of Precincts Reporting, Mayor Pete Buttigieg Announced As Spring Fling Headliner
NEW HAVEN- In a victory speech Wednesday, Mayor Pete Buttigieg announced to a surprised crowd that he had won the spot as...
Scientists Develop Breakthrough AI, Turns Out to Be Major Fucking Asshole
CERN, SWITZERLAND — Scientists working at a quantum computing laboratory in Switzerland shocked the world earlier this week by announcing the development...
