1. What is the theme of your room?

  • A. Jake and the Never Land Pirates.

  • B. Lego Ninjago.

  • C. Woody and Jessie from Toy Story.

  • D. It is plain. There are some photos of my wife and kids, and there is a throw pillow that says “FAMILY.” I am a normal adult and do not have a bedroom theme based on a children’s character.

2. What do you do before you go to sleep?

  • A. Take off my eyepatch.

  • B. Take off my ninja costume.

  • C. Stumble into bed after a fight at the corral.

  • D. Drink a glass of warm milk and tell my wife I love her, like any other normal adult would do.

3. Where is your dream vacation destination?

  • A. The seven seas.

  • B. The Iga Province of feudal Japan.

  • C. The wild, wild West.

  • D. The coast of sunny Florida, where the average man likes to take his family.

4. What is your favorite book?

  • A. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson.

  • B. Way of the Ninja (LEGO Ninjago Reader #1) by Tracey West.

  • C. I am an outlaw and I can’t read.

  • D. A 700-page account of the Battle of Gettysburg that was given to me as a gift and that I have never picked up.

5. Uh-oh! Looks like you’re having a nightmare. Who’s the villain?

  • A. The ghost of my disgraced first-mate who I sent to walk the plank.

  • B. My mom, who took away my Legos after I flushed her earrings down the toilet.

  • C. The goddamn sheriff again!

  • D. My first grade teacher Mrs. Tickler, but she has red eyes and green hair. That’s pretty common, right?

6. How are you going to fight off this villain?

  • A. Why do I have to fight him off? I already killed him. Time to go look for more treasure!

  • B. A throwing star, but if it takes too long for her to die then I will strike her swiftly with a long, slender sword.

  • C. A chase scene through the wild, wild west that ends with the shootout to end all shootouts.

  • D. I don’t. I do not possess the spirit of a pirate, cowboy, or ninja and therefore I am inherently weak. I poop my pants and my teeth fall out and my first grade crush laughs at me and I cry.

7. And last but not least… how do you like to “do the deed?”

  • A. Greedily.

  • B. Stealthily.

  • C. With a cowboy hat on.

  • D. Oh, you think that this question will reveal that I’m some sort of freak? All my answers have been perfectly normal and reasonable, and you think if you ask how I like to “do the deed,” you’ll finally figure out that I’m not perfectly normal and reasonable? Well joke’s on you, because my wife hasn’t touched me in years!


—K. Walsh


Answer Key:

Mostly a’s: You are a pirate.

Mostly b’s: You are a ninja.

Mostly c’s: You are a cowboy.

Mostly d’s: You are all three!