SARASOTA, FL — In a stunning effort not to hurt anyone’s feelings, undecided voter Roy Kettleman announced Tuesday that he just wants both presidential candidates to be happy. 

“I hate that I have to choose,” Kettleman said. “Running a campaign is really hard, and I’m just so proud of Joey and Donny for making their voices heard.”

Since both party conventions, Kettleman has been keeping tireless track of both candidates’ campaigns. What he learned, he explained, only increased his admiration for both Joe Biden and Donald Trump. “These are two of my favorite people in the world,” Kettleman said. “And Kamala and Mike are such killer seconds-in-command. It’s definitely a ‘greater of two goods’ election.”

Kettleman expressed his worry that the November election will have serious and sweeping ramifications; namely, that if one of the candidates wins, the other will be sad. Kettleman went on to speculate that the candidate might take his loss personally, or start to feel bad about himself even though he did his best.

“Trump and Biden are like Coke and Pepsi—equally delicious in every way,” Kettleman lamented. “But I can’t mix equal quantities of Trump and Biden into a glass! The best I can do is donate up to the FEC limit to both campaigns.” 

Kettleman was charged with voter fraud earlier this year when he was caught attempting to vote multiple times in the Democratic primary—once for each candidate. That experience, says Kettleman, taught him a valuable lesson about how to approach elections going forward. “In a perfect world, everybody would get to be president, but I now know that’s not the world we live in,” Kettleman admitted. “On November 3rd, one candidate will be getting my vote, and the other will be getting a handwritten apology.”

While Kettleman is excited to vote for either nominee, he also admitted that he has a special place in his heart for many other political figures, including Bernie Sanders, Mitch McConnell, Amy Klobuchar, and Anthony Weiner.

— J. Wickline