Newsroom
BREAKING: New Fed Report Reveals Extensive Thin Mint Monopoly
WASHINGTON, D.C.––In a startling turn of events this week, economic polling has named the American cookie industry's top grossing corporation as none other than...
FAKE NEWS: The Sashed Slasher Strikes Again
NEW HAVEN, CT—Police are desperately seeking any information that may help identify the perpetrator of a recent slew of violent killings in East Rock....
The Record Perspective – September 18th, 2023
As Kimberlé Crenshaw once said, “The crux of intersectionality is that the Yale Record can’t always engage in discourse about the digital sphere, and...
The Record Perspective – May 1st, 2023
There is currently no known cure for HIV, but I’m working really hard on it. This week, we’re back with the end of the...
The Record Perspective – December 15th, 2022
As Rosa Luxemburg once said, “the Yale Record Online is the decisive element, they are the rock on which the final victory of the...
Crabs Undergo Pilgrimage To Atlantic City To Gamble, Do Crab Drugs, and Have Crab Sex
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—For the past few months, scientists have been puzzled over the disappearance of about 10 billion crabs. As it turns out, they...
CDC Announces Fully Vaccinated Individuals Can Go Around Kissing Strangers
ATLANTA, GA—Today, the CDC provided additional guidelines for the fully vaccinated. In addition to having small indoor gatherings and visiting family, individuals...
Report: Local Kid Too Much Of A Bummer To Bully
NEW HAVEN, CT—As local eighth-grader Nathan Lloyd-Katz wandered dejectedly across the playground, sources confirmed Tuesday that he is “too much of a...
Report: Jesus Not A Big Birthday Guy
BETHLEHEM, PALESTINE—In a surprise resurrection this afternoon, Jesus Christ issued a press release stating that he is not a “big birthday guy.”...
