Newsroom
The Record Perspective – May 1st, 2023
There is currently no known cure for HIV, but I’m working really hard on it. This week, we’re back with the end of the...
The Record Perspective – December 15th, 2022
As Rosa Luxemburg once said, “the Yale Record Online is the decisive element, they are the rock on which the final victory of the...
Crabs Undergo Pilgrimage To Atlantic City To Gamble, Do Crab Drugs, and Have Crab Sex
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—For the past few months, scientists have been puzzled over the disappearance of about 10 billion crabs. As it turns out, they...
CDC Announces Fully Vaccinated Individuals Can Go Around Kissing Strangers
ATLANTA, GA—Today, the CDC provided additional guidelines for the fully vaccinated. In addition to having small indoor gatherings and visiting family, individuals...
Report: Local Kid Too Much Of A Bummer To Bully
NEW HAVEN, CT—As local eighth-grader Nathan Lloyd-Katz wandered dejectedly across the playground, sources confirmed Tuesday that he is “too much of a...
Report: Jesus Not A Big Birthday Guy
BETHLEHEM, PALESTINE—In a surprise resurrection this afternoon, Jesus Christ issued a press release stating that he is not a “big birthday guy.”...
“I Just Want Both Of Them To Be Happy,” Says Torn Voter
SARASOTA, FL — In a stunning effort not to hurt anyone’s feelings, undecided voter Roy Kettleman announced Tuesday that he just wants...
Yale Student Hunger Strikes for No Particular Cause
NEW HAVEN, CT—In an inspiring display of solidarity with something or other, Yale student Greg Gronson ‘23 began a hunger strike protest...
Yale Dining Announces Beer Week
NEW HAVEN, CT — Following the cult-like success of Citrus Week and the outcry following the cancellation of Olive Oil week, Yale...
