BETHLEHEM, PALESTINE—In a surprise resurrection this afternoon, Jesus Christ issued a press release stating that he is not a “big birthday guy.” Despite common wisdom on the subject, the Holy One renounced all the hype around birthdays.

“Really,” said the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, “there’s so much pressure to make it special, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.” Jesus reportedly told his friends he didn’t want to do anything big this year, but they insisted on celebrating. He noted, “At least they’ve stopped the surprise parties. I haven’t fallen for one of those since the year of me, 37.”

These days, he concluded, most of his friends only remember his birthday because they saw it on Facebook, or in a commercial for a surprisingly affordable Dodge Durango with zero down APR required at signing. “At this point, you can’t even trust that people actually want to celebrate you and aren’t just in it to feed the capitalist machine that relies on your birthday as one of the most important days in the fiscal calendar,” remarked the underwhelmed Light of the World.

Refocusing on festivities, The Son of the Lamb lambasted a wealthy rival for stealing his birthday thunder. He described a portly man with a white beard and red robe in the North Pole who builds and distributes gifts to children on the night December 24th every year. “He says it’s to celebrate my birthday, but I think we all know he wants the glory for himself,” Christ lamented. When asked for evidence, Jesus pointed to numerous encounters at malls across the globe, where he saw the rotund man posing for photos with children. Jesus also noted that the man’s means of production and distribution are “ethically questionable,” even verging on “inhumane.”

Our Redemption admits that although he rarely receives gifts these days, he is not upset. Known to be a good shepherd, he boasted about his large flock of sheep, which he claims keep him content. The Blessed and only Ruler remarked that in the past, he had received some incredible gifts. “Those crusades were awesome,” exclaimed the Son of God, “I guess it goes to show, sometimes you really don’t know what you want.” He took a sip of water before adding, “I think Steve Jobs said that.”

When pushed to comment on Covid-19 and God’s ambivalence towards human suffering, Jesus shrugged and offered “No comment,” before scurrying back to His kingdom in the heavens.

—W. Cramer