NEW HAVEN, CT—As local eighth-grader Nathan Lloyd-Katz wandered dejectedly across the playground, sources confirmed Tuesday that he is “too much of a bummer” to bully.

“Messing with Nathan is just fucking depressing,” reported local meathead Mike Tannenbaum. “He gets this empty, hollow look in his eyes and just agrees with everything you say. You leave feeling kind of dirty.”

In one instance, class clown Sammy DeLuca told Lloyd-Katz that if his hand was bigger than his face, it was a sign of low intelligence. Instead of falling for the trick, Lloyd-Katz calmly replied, “My parents had my IQ tested when I was seven, but they pretended the score never arrived. I think they felt too bad about the score to tell me. So now I’m defined by this number I don’t even know, and they treat me like an idiot even though I’m not. Or maybe I am and I’m just so stupid I don’t even know.”

Sixth grader Matthew Tang, who once sat next to Lloyd-Katz during lunch, offered one explanation for Lloyd-Katz’s bleak vibe.

“People say his parents agreed a long time ago to not get divorced until he graduates and just kind of pretend to love each other,” said Tang. “But one day, Nathan came home early from school because he vomited in gym class, and he overheard them laying it all out. So he carries that pain with him to school every day, I guess.”

Even humiliation rarely sticks for Lloyd-Katz. At a student assembly in early November, Lloyd-Katz received an award for perfect attendance. As he was climbing the stairs, star quarterback Tad Shepherd ran over and pantsed him in front of everyone.

“The moment his pants dropped, everybody screamed,” Shepherd recalled. “Nathan had this gaping wound on his thigh, and when he saw people reacting he just shrugged and said, ‘My dog bit me. He hates kids.’ I mean, fuck. How am I supposed to get any satisfaction out of that?” 

School bullies have left Lloyd-Katz alone for the better part of last year, but he says he doesn’t mind one way or another.

“I really wish those guys had a better time teasing me, but either way I’ll be okay,” Lloyd-Katz said. “What can I say? I’m a positive guy.”

—J. Wickline