Next time you go in for a trim, make sure to avoid these classic goofs.

  1. Not shampooing beforehand
  2. Shampooing beforehand with cement
  3. Showing up to the barbershop with a pizza
  4. Catching the hair that falls off and putting it in your mouth
  5. Going to the barber shop when you’re supposed to be refereeing the World Cup third-place match
  6. Going to the barber before any of your hair grows
  7. Sticking your hands into the clipper blades
  8. Going to the braber shop
  9. Not learning the barber’s mother tongue beforehand
  10. Learning the “prestige dialect” of the barber’s mother tongue
  11. Not explicitly telling the barber beforehand that you actually want them to make your hair longer
  12. Slathering your head with petroleum jelly to stop the barber from getting a firm grip
  13. Leaving your haircut at the barber shop
  14. Picking your nose while the barber is trying to
  15. Not bringing your own razors
  16. Failing to provide specific, actionable feedback for the barber after phases I and II of haircut implementation
  17. Not brushing your teeth beforehand
  18. Conspiring to defraud the United States by deceitfully and illegally misappropriating United States Post Office “Printing and Reproduction” funds for your haircut
  19. Not waiting to floss until afterward
  20. Not telling the barber about any metallic implants, jewelry, or devices before you go in the haircut machine
  21. Not bringing the barber anything to eat or drink
  22. Crying too loud
  23. Only speaking to the barber using trochees
  24. While in contact with the barber chair, failing to deliver a pitch after making any motion naturally associated with the pitching movement
  25. Going to the barber in a dream
  26. Letting the barber hit you in the mouth over and over again
  27. Addressing the barber with the informal tú
  28. Signing a haircut contract at the barber shop before reading it over at home
  29. Paying in worthless Weimar-era Papiermarks
  30. Swimming directly towards the barber shop, instead of parallel to it
  31. Commiting a murder within 24 hours of getting a perm
  32. Getting three haircuts a day until you run out of money 
  33. Telling the barber your mother’s maiden name
  34. Claiming that the salon’s “acts of Barbicide” do not constitute a Barbicide
  35. Going to the barber twice in six months like you want to marry him or something
  36. Sleeping on your hair the night before your haircut
  37. Bragging to all your friends about your haircut like they couldn’t get one themselves if they wanted
  38. Getting a haircut for somebody else
  39. Getting a “giraffe haircut”
  40. Trying to meet the barber’s family before they’re ready
  41. Apologizing to the barber when it’s clear you don’t mean it
  42. Going to the barber alone, with outdated equipment, or without a SCUBA certification or a SCUBA-certified instructor
  43. Telling the barber you’re allergic to scissors when really you just dislike them
  44. Sitting in the chair all weird
  45. Entering the barber shop without U.N. support or legal justification
  46. Using DEET on the barber’s eyes, mouth, or hands
  47. Leaving your doppelgänger at the barber shop
  48. Spilling soup in your beard while the barber is trying to drink it
  49. Not taking your full prescribed course of haircut pills
  50. Entering the barber shop before a lady
  51. Attempting to get a haircut without having pre-registered eight weeks before Haircut Day
  52. Lying to the barber about your lifestyle and habits, including illegal drug use
  53. Trying to take your kid in on your lap without buying an extra haircut ticket
  54. While at the barber, using names, images, or logos identifiable with Guinness World Records™ in such a way as to imply you currently hold a Guinness World Record™, when said Guinness World Record™ does not exist or is not currently held by you
  55. Going to the barber right during a big date
  56. Going to the barber before reading “77 Most Common Haircut Mistakes” on the Yale Record website
  57. Approaching the haircut with a growth mindset
  58. Cutting your hair by jumping up and down underneath the blades of a running helicopter
  59. Getting a haircut that suggests that there is more than one China, or that Taiwan is not a part of China
  60. Refusing to remove your religious head covering for the haircut
  61. Claiming that your Boston Bruins replica goalie helmet is a religious head covering
  62. Submitting the same haircut to more than one course without the prior written permission of both instructors
  63. Laughing so much when the barber tells you their name that they quit
  64. Leaving your interiority at the barber shop
  65. Wearing a Velcro suit to the haircut so you get to keep all the hair 
  66. Trying to tip the barber over while they’re sleeping
  67. Going to the barber who cuts the hair of those, and only those, who cut their own hair
  68. Wearing a Velcro suit that’s only the soft Velcro stuff so the hair doesn’t stick
  69. Talking about how cold the weather’s been recently when the barber clearly wants to talk about freezin time comin early this year
  70. Crushing the barber’s fingers while shaking their hand after the haircut makes you too powerful
  71. Threatening the barber with a lawsuit you obviously can’t afford
  72. Burying the haircut the barber gives you instead of trading with it to make more haircuts
  73. Naming your dog “Thank You For The Great Haircut” so it comes into the barber shop afterwards
  74.  Closing your mouth and blowing up your cheeks so your hair grows faster than the barber can cut
  75. Getting a haircut from a chipmunk or squirrel in a person suit
  76. Overthinking it
  77. Getting a haircut without passion, without risk — without life

— A. Burch

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