- An errant throw from legendary Dallas Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach struck the President from above.
- Jacqueline Kennedy sneezed a bit too hard and split her husband’s head open.
- Fidel Castro killed Kennedy for sleeping with his wife, (nothing to do with the missile crisis).
- Bobby was upset that Jack had cheated in Monopoly and sought to even the score.
- A bad batch of Pop Rocks chemically reacted with the tissues in his brain, causing a small but deadly explosion.
- In a cruel twist of fate, John Glenn’s space trash tumbled out of orbit right into the Kennedy’s convertible.
- J. Edgar Hoover, (not the FBI Director, but a disgruntled Dallas resident whose Cuban cigar import business went bankrupt as a result of Kennedy’s trade embargo) fired from a grassy knoll.
- Nikita Kruschev ordered the killing after Kennedy bet his life on a high stakes game of Go Fish and lost during the Vienna Summit.
- Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy as revenge for using Oswald’s dead grandfather (a proud, lifelong Republican) as an Illinois voter to steal the election from Nixon.
- LBJ accidentally killed Kennedy after their long-running game of tag got a little out of hand.
ANSWER: Trick question. John F. Kennedy is alive and well, preparing his son to restore democracy to a captive White House in 2024. Don’t worry, we’re trusting the plan.
—E. Bohannon
