ATLANTA, GA—Today, the CDC provided additional guidelines for the fully vaccinated. In addition to having small indoor gatherings and visiting family, individuals who have received both doses of the vaccine now reserve the right to kiss anybody they want.

“The new guidelines only allow for the kissing of unvaccinated individuals, which should provide an incentive for them to get immunized,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC. “It can be a peck on the cheek or a smooch on the lips. Just walk up to strangers, pull down their mask, and exercise your new freedom all over their face.” 

Two weeks after receiving the second shot, the CDC plans to send “kiss kits” to those who have done their civic duty. Inside the kit, you can expect to find a pair of aviator sunglasses, strawberry lip balm, and a government-issued card with “LICENSE TO CANOODLE” embossed in big, gold letters.

“We’re gonna restore the soul of this nation,” said President Joe Biden in a lively press conference. “For that reason, I’m personally going town to town across America to kiss every one of you, my beautiful constituents—the hardworkin’ folk that keep this country up and running!”

Biden then lowered his mask and puckered his lips, before announcing, “I got a truckload of Altoids and I’m ready to rock and roll! America…. I hope you like peppermint!” 

At press time, the leader of the free world was seen chasing down the reporter assigned to this story, clumsily applying strawberry lip balm at full sprint.

—S. Leone