Place the child in the scales. The father should then sit on top of the child to hold him down. Weigh father and child together. Then deduct the father’s weight from the gross tonnage, and the weight of the child is the result.

FRESH AIR

What are the objections to an infant’s sleeping out-of-doors?

Sleeping out-of-doors in the city is all right, but children sleeping out of doors in the country are likely to be kissed by wandering cows and things. This should never be permitted under any circumstances.

DEVELOPMENT

When does the infant first laugh aloud?

When father tries to pin it up for the first time.

If at two years the child makes no attempt to talk, what should be suspected?

That it hasn’t yet seen anyone worth talking to.

FEEDING

What should not be fed to a child?

Ripe olives.

How do we know how much food a healthy child needs?

By listening carefully.

Which parent should go and get the child’s early morning bottle?

The one least able to feign sleep.

XX—THE COMMITTEE ON THE WHOLE

A new plan has just been submitted for running the railroads. That makes one hundred and eleven.

The present suggestion involves the services of some sixteen committees. Now presumably the idea is to get the roses back into the cheeks of the railroads, so that they will go running about from place to place again and perhaps make a little money on pleasant Saturdays and Sundays. But if these proposed committees are anything like other committees which we have had to do with, the following will be a fair example of how our railroads will be run.

The sub-committee on the Punching of Rebate Slips will have a meeting called for five o’clock in the private grill room at the Pan-American Building. Postcards will have been sent out the day before by the Secretary, saying: “Please try to be present as there are several important matters to be brought up.” This will so pique the curiosity of the members that they will hardly be able to wait until five o’clock. One will come at four o’clock by mistake and, after steaming up and down the corridor for half an hour, will go home and send in his resignation.

At 5:10 the Secretary will bustle in with a briefcase and a map showing the weather areas over the entire United States for the preceding year. He will be very warm from hurrying.