By David Chernicoff
Good day and happy kickoffs from the 35 to one and all.
A lesser man’s NFL Preview might insult your intelligence by painstakingly analyzing every team and then, secure behind a cloud of vaporous pseudoscience, offer up a Super Bowl prediction—plausible, but just surprising enough to keep you reading.
A lesser man’s NFL Preview might be submitted prior to the start of the season.
But friends, I am not a lesser man, and neither are you. You know every bit as well as I that the outcome of Super Bowl XLVI will be Patriots 11, Saints 4. Facts are facts, and the llama fetus I burned in Mike Martz’s garage last weekend speaks only truth.
Now that we know how the season’s going to end, let’s preview each team in the order they appear on the NFL’s website.
AFC NORTH
Baltimore Ravens The question on everybody’s mind this offseason (as implanted by ESPN) was “Does Joe Flacco have enough fire in his belly to lead the Ravens to the promised land?†Since as far as I can tell this question originated solely from Rachel Nichols’ use of one of those origami fortune tellers, the only reasonable response to it, as a player, would be “No one is saying this except you! Should I respond to every other fatuous hunk of nothing that tumbles out of your face? There is no issue with Joe Flacco’s desire to win, Anquan Boldin is not a Leprechaun dealer, and Ray Lewis does not turn into a banana at midnight!”
Cincinnati Bengals Here is what most people knew about the Bengals going into 2010: They had Carson Palmer and his one knee throwing to Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens. This season Palmer isn’t playing at all, Ochocinco is playing Sarah Palin to New England’s John McCain and Terrell Owens is two weeks away from doing sit-ups in Andy Reid’s driveway. In 2011, all we know about the Bengals is that their plan last year was shitty enough for two seasons. Maybe five.
Cleveland Browns Hello, my name is Syndric. Syndric Steptoe.
Pittsburgh Steelers Always a pleasure, the Steelers. This offseason Ben Roethlisberger managed to stay out of court on rape charges trouble, but resident standup guy Hines Ward was arrested for drunk driving. This prompted Santonio Holmes to wake up his entire gated community screaming What the shit, you guys, you traded me for a fifth-round pick for a nightclub dustup!
