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© 2011 by Michael Gerber. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the author, and a signed note from Our Lord. This is a work of parody.Any similarities, without satirical intent, to copyrighted characters/material, or persons living or dead, are purely coincidental. This book has not been authorized by Todd Burpo, Thomas Nelson, Inc., or any other entities involved with the book Heaven Is For Real. No connection is implied or inferred.
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AUTHORS’ NOTES
My co-author, Michael Gerber (if that is his name) wrote this book with me under false pretenses. First, he told me that he spent a significant portion of his childhood in a small town in Missouri, but it turns out that he moved to Chicago for high school. Then, he said he was raised Christian, but any decent, God-fearing person knows that “Unitarian†is Liberal for “Satanist.â€
           This book is the work of the Horned One. I disavow it completely.—Mitchell Creepo, May 2011
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When I was four, I had an imaginary friend named Marie. Marie was a staunch Democrat (like my mom), and even went so far as to live in Vietnam and get bombed by President Nixon. My family found this very amusing and lovable.
They did not, however, write a bestselling book saying that Marie was real and that I should become Secretary of State. What a difference thirty-eight years make, eh?
I’m sorry Mr. Creepo feels ill-used. Might I suggest forgiving me, as I assume Christ would have.—Michael Gerber, May 2011
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And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites [are]: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen [do]: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.—JESUS OF NAZARETH
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Prologue: NOT SUPERSTITIOUS
As a pastor, I don’t believe in superstitions. If one of my parishioners back in Buffalo Nut, Iowa, came to me worried about black cats and broken mirrors, I’d gently remind them that none of that stuff could hold a candle to the awesome power of our Lord Jesus Christ. So I don’t put any stock in such foolishness—but I can tell you from personal experience that God works in mysterious ways. For example: Would you believe this whole “scandal†was caused by an Arby’s roast beef sandwich?
