AFC EAST
Buffalo Bills My name is David Chernicoff and I am a Bills fan. (Hi, David.) As things stand, the Bills are projected to lose more games than there are on the schedule. The main glimmer of hope here, normally, would be a fairly easy-looking schedule that includes a healthy dose of the AFC West. But if they do manage to win more games than, say, Carolina, they’ll miss out on next year’s Andrew Luck Sweepstakes/Clusterfuck. I blame Wade Phillips for all of this.
Miami Dolphins At the start of training camp, a bunch of Dolphins fans showed up at practice to boo incumbent quarterback Chad Henne and chant Kevin Kolb’s name.  Week 1, Henne passed for 416 yards, Kolb 309. I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’
New England Patriots You know what I think happened? I think Bill Belichick and Chad Ochocinco were getting drunk together one night, and while they were both pissing in the same fountain they simultaneously wished they could have each others’ lives and their bodies got switched. That’s the only explanation for the Patriots signing another kinda-quick, kinda-small receiver to go with all the ones they already had—they needed their coach’s brain back. Unless maybe Ocho followed Tom Brady home from one of Gisele’s supermodel/athlete pillow fights and Brady asked Belichick, “Can I keep him?†Or maybe Robert Kraft made a bet with a buddy on how often Bill Simmons would write and/or speak the phrase “the Ochocinco Era” in the next year. Whatever it is, it’s gotta be some crazy-ass shit.
New York Jets Thing I liked the most about the Jets’ offseason: that I didn’t have to know that Rex Ryan has a calf tattoo.
