Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

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I’d rather be here in a cell than out there in the wicked world, any day. We’re just sitting here awaiting trial, me and God’s love, and we’re doing just fine.

•     •     • Thank you for all the cards, letters, gifts of food, and prayers, especially the ones for the children to die before they testify. That would surely make things a lot easier for me, I’m not going to lie, but such decisions are best left up to God. My wife has posted the kids’ home addresses at www.freemitchellcreepo.com. Just if anybody wants to bear witness.

To those who claim what I did was wrong, all I can say is: I’m praying for you. The names you call me are a badge of honor. Was Abraham “self-absorbed” when God told him to kill his first-born? Was King Solomon “misguided” when he told those women to cut the baby in half? Was God “a psychopath” when he drowned the entire world’s population? Friend, if you’re calling the Creator “a deluded, narcissistic, emotionally retarded nincompoop” that’s NOT OKAY. Either take it back right now and mean it, or be prepared to die for what I believe in.

There’s one more thing I want to say before I go. People may read this story and think, “What a poor guy,” but they shouldn’t. My lawyer says I’m facing up to thirty years in prison, but what is that next to eternal bliss? I don’t bother myself about Man’s law. It’s God’s law that I’m interested in. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not important. Mitchell Creepo is not important. God’s important, Jesus is important. America’s important.

I look forward to a better America. An America where Christians like me can practice our faith—a faith, by the way, that has made this country what it is today—freely, out in the open, without fear of persecution. We can get there, I know we can, because God is on our side.

Think of it: In Jesus’ time, the Roman Empire was the mightiest force in the world. Then along came the Christians. At first there was just a handful of us, practicing in secret. But then we grew, and it took just three hundred years for us to bring that empire down, and usher in better days for everybody.

Sure, all the textbooks call them “the Dark Ages,” but what do you expect from the liberal elite? A thousand years of people living simply, getting plenty of exercise and fresh air, under the rule of God-fearing Kings and Queens, spending as little time on Earth as possible so they can get to Heaven—well, I’m no Einstein, but that doesn’t sound very Dark to me. In fact, it sounds like an improvement! If you ask me, we could do a lot worse than go back to those so-called Dark Ages. We can get there again. I know we can.

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