Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

I snatched away the magazine from the gum-popping Whore of Babylon, Iowa. “And it’s conversations just like this one that—”

“Sorry, everybody,” Griselda said, tank over her shoulder. “Bob was eating supper. Shall we get started?”

•     •     • It took more nitrous oxide to get Heather unconscious, a lot more. Some of that was due to her greater body weight, but after our conversation, I assume that she was a hardened drug addict as well.

“So,” I said when she’d come to again, “did you meet Him?”

“You know, Mr. Creepo, I think I did,” Heather said, eyes round with wonder. “I think I honestly did.”

Griselda gasped.

“Really?” said Hayden.

Heather nodded. “He was tall, and very masculine, with beautiful eyes, the little boy got that part right. And—I guess he could read my thoughts, because the first thing he said was, ‘George Michael? No way. Kenny Loggins, maybe.’”

I looked at my wife, and she stared back at me. Footloose had been released in the early Eighties, years before Heather had even been born. There was no way she could know who Kenny Loggins was. It was at that moment that I realized something, knew it in my bones: Heather Crompton had gone to Heaven. This latter-day Magdalen had met our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Griselda realized it, too. I could see it on her face. “So what happened, Heather?” my wife asked, leaning forward. “Tell us, we want to hear every detail. Did He tell you to go and sin no more?”

“What? No. He was great. We laughed a lot.” With a fixed, almost blissful look on her face, Heather spoke of a place of lush vegetation, where everything beautiful from this life existed in great abundance. She described rivers of milk and honey, and palaces of gold and silver, where beautiful, majestic angels mixed with eternally happy people. “Everyone looks young and healthy,” she said, “not how they died. I saw my grandma, only a younger version.”

“Go on,” I said, choking back tears, thinking off all the people I missed, and how proud they’d be when I was number one on the New York Times bestseller list.

“Jesus took me by the hand, and introduced me to all the angels, and all the prophets. Finally, he said, ‘There’s someone very special I want you to meet,’ and—”

“Tell me, Heather! Tell me you looked upon the face of—