Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

“Yes,” Philip said.

“Was he handsome?”

“I guess. He had” —Philip’s small hand flopped around his jaws—“hair on his face.”

A beard! “Go on. Was he nice?”

“Oh yes. He smiled a lot. And he was very smart!”

Obviously he meant “wise.” “Okay, Philip, what did he say to you? Try to remember every word.”

“I don’t know,” Philip said, rubbing his eyes. “I’m tired.” “I know, I’m tired too. It’s been a long day, and it’s time for you to go home and go to bed. So just tell me what the nice man said and you can go home.”

“I asked him if I was in Heaven.”

“Yes? And what did he say!”

Philip took a deep breath and said, all in a rush, “He said that my brain was undergoing oxygen deprivation, and that this was making me hallucinate. He said that Heaven was a myth, and that Christianity, along with all the other religions, were false constructs designed to allay our fears of mortality.”

I heard my wife make a little choking sound from the back seat.

“He said that we were all just large-brained, hairless monkeys perched on a lump of rock hurtling through Space, and that what was commonly called ‘religion’ was in fact a means of social control, whereas the only genuine moral system had to be based on a type of humanist—”

“Enough!” I said, snapping off the tape recorder. “Tell me, you little nerd, you little penguin lover, just humor me for a second: Did this idiot give you a name? I’m gonna go kick his atheist tail!”

“Isaac Asimov.”

Griselda carried Philip to his front door, set him down, and rang the bell.

“Thanks for a nice time, Mrs. Creepo,” he said as she scampered back to the SUV. “Say bye to Hayden. See you tomorrow.”

           
9: KENNY LOGGINS, MAYBE

I was still chewing Griselda out when we walked into our home. With every failure, the place we lived seemed to get smaller and shabbier.

“Leave it to you to pick the one four-year-old atheist in Sioux County!” I said.

Raucous laughter exploded from the landing, where Hayden was hiding. Seeing red, I leapt up the stairs, taking them three at a time, just to have Hayden ’s bedroom door slam in my face. “You are in trouble, little miss!” I yelled, but the laughter didn’t stop.