Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

When he told me not to call him “Phil,” I had to go out into the backyard and hit a sapling with a softball bat until I calmed down. On the way back inside, I prayed for strength, and it came.

Philip was still in front of the TV. Now Hayden had joined him, and they were both sitting there like two interested-in-everything zombies. People talk about peer pressure, but until you’re a parent, you just don’t know the kind of evil it can do.

“You told me we didn’t get this channel,” Hayden complained. I ignored her.

“I know, Philip,” I said, remembering my own boyhood as if it was yesterday. “Let’s you and me go down to the creek and find some frogs!”

“Cool,” Philip scrambled off the couch.

“…and then we can beat them to death with sticks!”

“Oh.” Philip totally lost interest. “No thanks.”

Downspirited, I shuffled into the kitchen.

“How’s it going?” Griselda said, making a ham sandwich and a glass of milk (this time we were going to be sure).

“Not good,” I said. “I think he’s an H-O-M-O-S-E-X-.”

“Shh!” Griselda walked out. I watched from the doorway as Phil took a bite and then a big drink of milk. Just as I was silently thanking Jesus, the little turd asked my wife, “What’s a homosex?”

Well, Hayden laughed so hard she practically passed out, but you could’ve knocked us both over with a feather. Griselda turned back to me, her expression asking if she should tell him the truth. I shook my head “no.” He would have plenty of time to learn about Hell.

Anyway, Jesus would do a much better job explaining it than we could.

7: PLAYING SPACEMAN

I guess now as good a time as any to reveal just how we were going to have our little friend meet Jesus. I want to remind the liberal media pundits who are making me out to be some sort of monster that I was just following that other kid’s book, and if that’s illegal, then maybe it shouldn’t have been published in the first place.

According to that book, you didn’t have to die to go to Heaven, just nearly die. So we never for one moment intended to kill anybody, and we didn’t. We wanted to near-kill them. While a burst appendix was the classic method, that seemed risky. Unless you’re around them, you forget how small a four-year-old really is. Griselda’s hands were smaller, so she might’ve been able to sock him in the right spot, but she punches like a girl.