Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

Griselda felt bad about how she’d acted the night before, and we held hands as we ate cold meatloaf. At heart she’s a good woman. She wants to live in accordance with God’s laws, it’s just that she doesn’t always make it. But who does? That’s why forgiveness is so important. I forgave her, totally and completely. I would just have to watch her, that was all.

“About the plan,” she said. “I want to try again today.”

“Really?” Initially, we had planned to wait a few days, you know, to avoid arousing suspicion. One kid Raptured is a miracle, but two in two days, well…no community could be that lucky. “Don’t you think someone will notice? You might lose your job.”

“If that happens, God will see us through, as He always has. He knows we’re doing this all for Him.”

“Aw, honey.” We hugged. As I held my wife, I suddenly got a vision of what Life would be like, after we’d written a bestseller, gotten it made into a movie, and written a Godly sitcom starring Larry the Cable Guy. “I want my own TV channel, so that my sermons on Sunday could go all around the world, to people who need to hear God’s word. And a jet, so I can go preach anywhere, whenever the Spirit moves me.”

“That would be lovely,” Griselda said.

“But it’s not just for me. When we sell this book, you won’t have to work anymore. I’ll have a personal chef to make me meatloaf whenever I want.”

“I like the sound of that,” Griselda said. “I’d like to walk into The Sweater Junction and just point at things, like ‘I want that, and that, and that.’”

“I want a NASCAR team.”

“Ooh, and vacations—wouldn’t that be fun? We’d go to Nine Forks and say, ‘Okay, everybody, shut up and get in the RVs. We’re going to Branson.’ I’d like to see Aunt Hildy’s nasty little face when she heard that.”

I got a feeling a bit like heartburn, only lower. “Do we have to invite Aunt Hildy?”

“Not if you don’t want to, Sugarlump.”

“And a boat,” I said. “A big, big yacht.”

“Mitchell Jason Hatfield McCoy Crappo,” Griselda said with a stern smile, “we live in Iowa. What do you need a yacht for?”

“I’d call it the “Jesus Loves You.”

“Oh, well, that’s all right then.”

6: THE KIND OF KID WHO LIKES SPIDERS

I knew right from the get-go that the kid was wrong.