Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

“—it!”

We were out of there. I gave a Chevy Equinox a nice big scrape—sorry HWK I LVR—but time was a-wastin’. On the way back to the school, a few pointed questions revealed that Anthony had been born Anthony Goldsteinsteinbergfarb, then his parents divorced, and his mother had remarried Calvin Baker, the guy at Wachovia who did our sixteenth through nineteenth refi’s. The Bible has some very stern words for remarriage, but I spared telling Anthony about it. His immortal soul was in enough trouble as it was.

4: MY WIFE IS SLIGHTLY POSSESSED BY SATAN

Griselda apologized all the way back home, but I didn’t say anything, I was too mad. Why had God thwarted my plan? Didn’t he see that it was all for Him? Did He love that famous Nebraska family more than Griselda and I? If not, why had they gotten a book deal, and we’d been stuck with a little Jewish kid?

Since I was a pastor the problem must be Griselda, that was only logical.

That night, we ate in silence. No, I take that back—Hayden made one of her usual cracks about having meatloaf again. We have meatloaf every night because…well, I guess I don’t like change.

“Luke 12:22,” I said to Hayden . “You certainly aren’t wasting away.” That put her in her place, and she stomped off to her room.

Normally Griselda would say something—you know females, always sticking up for each other—but tonight she didn’t, not after our “Kosh[swear word] moment.” She put chocolate sprinkles on my meatloaf. “Nice try,” I said. “If chocolate sprinkles meant anything, God would’ve have put them in The Bible.”

That kicked off a huge fight, the biggest one since last January, when Griselda had waltzed into a Fiesta Bowl party two wine coolers to the wind and blithely announced that she “didn’t see why everybody cared so much about football.”

After going outside to cool down, I came back in and patiently explained that what had gone on today was obviously God’s will. “He doesn’t want us to get a book deal because we’re not Holy enough,” I said.

“But, Mitch, couldn’t it just be a mistake? Our mistake?”

Now it was time for me to raise an eyebrow.

“Don’t you pin it on me,” she said. “That’s not fair. But why does God have to be involved? Doesn’t He have better things to do?”