Newsroom
10 Things Harvard Students Have Had To Sacrifice After Foolishly Losing Two Billion Dollars
1. The false appearance of having their shit together
2. Their Dean’s butler’s dog’s ferret’s maid
3. The bribes set aside for college ranking sites
4. Tax-free...
Students Finalize Masturbation Schedules, Settle Into A Comfortable Rhythm
This article originally appeared in the 2018 First Year Issue
By the end of the second week of September, Yale undergraduate students had all submitted...
Animatronic Salovey Puppet Breaks Down Mid-Handshake
NEW HAVEN — DXD440, Yale University’s animatronic puppet better known as ‘President Salovey’, broke down this morning while shaking hands with a student at...
Inner Monologue Of The 400-Pound Guy Sitting On His Bed, Hacking The DNC’s Emails
That bastard Trump finally caught me. Yeah, it’s me, the 400-pound guy, sitting in bed, hacking the DNC’s emails. My above-expert hacking skills allowed...
Clinton Spends Entire Debate Providing Detailed Explanation Of How To Screen-Print Fabric
Donald Trump delivered no rebuttals at the first presidential debate Monday night, as Hillary Clinton used the entire 90 minutes of air time to...
Report: Even Beyoncé Can’t Figure Out Waffle Makers
The daily challenge wrought by waffle-making machines has, until now, seemed like a problem faced only by ordinary, mortal citizens of the world.
But there...
You Dumb Motherfuckers, By James Madison
Hey there shitheads. Remember me? Yeah, it’s James fucking Madison. Third Secretary of State? Supervisor of the Louisiana Purchase? Fourth President of the United...
Salovey Implements PA System To Cut Down On Email Delays
Last Monday, President Peter Salovey held an impromptu town hall meeting in Woolsey Hall to announce the launch of a University-wide public address system,...
Man Opts To Name His Child Lester
Last Tuesday, local man Frank Williams chose to name his firstborn son Lester. It is currently unknown why he made this terrible decision. Apologies...
Beinecke Renovation Revealed To Be Elaborate Cover-up; Salovey Misplaced Every Rare Book, Manuscript
In an email to the Yale community earlier today, President Peter Salovey disclosed that the Beinecke Rare Books and Manuscripts Library, purportedly shut down...
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