1. The false appearance of having their shit together

2. Their Dean’s butler’s dog’s ferret’s maid

3. The bribes set aside for college ranking sites

4. Tax-free condoms

5. Indoor plumbing

6. One dollar each time they try to flirt with the line, “I go to Harvard” (new policy instituted due to minimal revenue from the condom tax)

7. Their personal shoe butlers, and consequently their tied shoelaces and un-scraped knees and elbows

8. 1/8 of the soul of each member of the administration (due to an annual contract with Satan)

9. The dignity of their alumni (last seen begging Stephen A. Schwarzman for spare change)

10. The tattered remnants of any argument about Harvard’s superiority to Yale

–A. Gamzon