Heaven Is A Deal by Michael Gerber

“Why did you pick him?” I hissed at Griselda as we pulled away.

“I forgot—it’s Priscilla’s day for naptime,” she said. “He was out in the hall looking at a spider.”

“A spider? What kind of kid likes spiders?”

“Spiders are a very useful part of the ecosystem,” Philip said. (Even the name sounded stuck up.) “You shouldn’t kill them. They eat pests.”

I slammed on the brakes—there are certain things that I won’t put up with, even if I’m trying to write a bestseller to glorify the Lord. I turned around and was about to throw him out of my car when Philip said, “Plus, my Mom says spiders saved the life of Jesus. Have you heard of him?”

“Once or twice,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

“He’s a very interesting man. A religious thinker, thought by some cultures to be divine. When he was a baby and King Harold—”

“Herod,” I said.

“—was looking for him, some spiders told Mary and Joseph to go into a cave and then the spiders wove their web all over the hole, and Harold’s soldiers passed by!”

“Very good, Philip,” Griselda said.

“It’s Herod,” I mumbled, throwing it back into drive.

•     •     • I’ve never liked kids with glasses. They always think they’re so smart, when all they are is closer to blind.

Now before you get all “PC” on me, it’s very clear what the Bible thinks of blind people. They can’t approach the altar (Lev. 21:17-23), and King David hated them so much he rewarded those who killed them (2 Samuel 5:8). It’s all right there in black and white. People get mad at me when I say stuff like this, but I didn’t write The Bible, God did.

So that was one strike. Then, when I gritted my teeth and offered to take him to McDonald’s—a very Christian thing to do, in my opinion—this little jerk asked, “Can we get Chinese food instead?” Can you imagine that? The nearest chop suey joint is 45 minutes away in Tiny Falls!

Then, when we got him home, all he wanted to do was watch PBS. He didn’t like swords, or cap guns. I even tried to get him to wrestle—I said I’d only use one arm, so it was fair—but Philip wasn’t interested. All he wanted to do was learn about penguins. As if he was ever going to the North Pole!