This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

Hey guys! It’s Todd here, from ToddEatsFood. Today, I’m going to talk about something near and dear to my heart: edamame. Edamame is very tasty. About a year ago, my beautiful wife Christina left me for another man. Did she break my heart? Absolutely! Did she take most of my money to pay for our “child’s” “college education”? Only if that makes me look sympathetic! But if there’s one thing I miss most about Christina, it’s the special time we used to spend together, when I ate her ass. When that well ran dry, I knew I needed to find some ass to eat, and quick.

I tried Tinder but got literally zero matches. I emailed Tinder to get to the bottom of things, but a spokeswoman for the company rudely declined my offer to eat the CFO’s ass. She also informed me that someone swiped right on me by accident once, but then they paid for premium just to go back and unswipe me. Anyway, I was lonely and I needed to get my special time on; that is, until I heard about some magical green beans that are better than ass and meth combined.

There are a few reasons why I think edamame is better than eating ass. For one, when I eat edamame, there’s no sound. When Christina and I had our special time, she used to be very loud, too loud in fact. I chomp down on these suckers and it’s nothing but silent night. Another thing is I make sure to wash my edamame every single time. Now Christina, she was a beautiful woman, and the only woman I’ll ever love, but she did not wash her ass. You just need to rinse off edamame and it’s good to go. Also, I can put salt on my edamame, but Christina never let me put salt on her. I used to be like, “But it’s for flavor!” and she would be like, “I’m leaving you for Ed.” This was the first warning sign that she was leaving me. Edamame helps farmers, and it has a ton of vitamins and protein! I bet your ass doesn’t have any vitamins or protein, though if it does, please contact me immediately. Christina’s certainly didn’t, which is why I had to give up eating her ass for Lent and go to the hospital for forty days.

Anyway guys, I really encourage you to make the switch to something good for you spiritually and physically, namely, those crazy beans called edamame. But Christina, if you’re reading this, I would go back to ass in a heartbeat.


—A. Thomas