This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Responding to widespread criticism of its consumer protection practices, Samsung announced Tuesday the reports of a study definitively concluding that the vast majority of its Galaxy phones do not explode in people’s pockets. Samsung has touted the report as proof of its “virtually universal commitment to consumer protection.”

“The problem is, you never hear about the hundreds of Samsung products that don’t explode,” said Samsung CEO Koh Dong Jin, hesitantly holding up a Galaxy phone between his pointer finger and thumb far away from his body to prove his claim. “You only hear about the one that took someone’s leg off, because that’s ‘good television.’ And it’s unfair. It’s unfair to us, it’s unfair to our customers, and, most importantly, it’s unfair to our troops fighting overseas, who get their legs blown off by real bombs each and every day. Let it be known that anyone who is against the Samsung Galaxy is also against the troops.”

Jin emphasized that his company is “not in the business of manufacturing military-grade weapons.” “This report clearly shows that the overwhelming majority of our products are not prone to blow up like frag grenades. Trust me, if we knew how to make frag grenades, we wouldn’t be making phones. That’s for sure.”

When asked if he would apologize for the numerous injuries attributable to malfunctioning Galaxy devices, Jin pointed to the thousands of customers who had been protected by the phone. “Before the Galaxy came out in 2009, we had 9/11. Since it came out, no 9/11. And you’re trying to tell me that we’ve endangered people?”

Ultimately, Jin says, Samsung devices are like snowflakes. “Each device is unique, just like our customers. Some explode. Some don’t. People love surprises, and what’s the biggest surprise that someone can have? Surprise death by phone explosion, or ‘phone boom boom,’ as we call it here at Samsung. That’s what makes the Galaxy the most user-friendly phone on the market. I’m paraphrasing the Better Business Bureau here. They definitely said the words ‘user’ and ‘phone.’”

At press time, Jin was asking reporters if “they’d ever even seen a live frag grenade, because I could change that real quick.”


—A. Zbornak