This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

SEATTLE, WA—A report released by Amazon Tuesday confirmed market suspicions that founder Jeff Bezos is “hot as hell.” Amazon spokesman Jay Carney lauded the announcement, claiming that “justice had finally been served.”

“Though many Americans already considered Jeff not only the hottest Chief Executive in the Forbes 500, but one of the top five—ten on a bad day—hottest men in the United States, this report confirmed what has long been described among investors as “Bezos’s irrefutable sex appeal,” said Carney.

“I’ve always known that Jeff had ‘it,’ whatever ‘it’ is,” claimed 40-year-old Amazon product manager Kathleen Oakmont, reading from a teleprompter as P.R. officials stood by with a taser. “And it’s not even about his money. I just can’t help but salivate every time I lay my eyes on that delicious little cue ball. Jesus Christ, are you serious?”

According to Amazon officials, Bezos’s star power is widely seen as a unifying force in an increasingly polarized America. Indeed, Seattle residents from a variety of backgrounds have gathered en masse outside of Amazon’s downtown headquarters this week to celebrate Bezos, chanting and holding signs comparing him to ruggedly attractive leaders of yesteryear, like Mussolini and Ahmadinejad.

In light of this response, the company announced that Bezos’s widespread appeal would be leveraged to sell Amazon devices. Customers will soon be able to order an Alexa featuring Bezos’s signature Seattle drawl, with voice commands tailored to “America’s newest sexual sensation.” For example, if one were to ask, “Alexa, where is the closest bald fetish therapist near me?” Alexa would answer, “Kathleen, there is a therapist 2.64 miles from you. By the way, can you imagine what it would be like to fuck Jeff Bezos”

At press time, a competing study from Starbucks was touting former Chief Executive Howard Schultz as “Seattle’s only sex symbol.”


—B. Lauring