This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

Hello all. It is I, former U.S. senator from Connecticut and failed Vice Presidential nominee Joseph Lieberman. I am very pleased to announce that after much consideration, I have decided I am now ready to sell out.

I have had a long and distinguished career in politics. I served as the 21st Attorney General of Connecticut from 1983 to 1989. I also served for four terms as senator from Connecticut from 1989-2013. In all that time, I refused to endorse any products, for fear that it would compromise my public service. But now retired at the ripe age of 76, the Lieberman gravy train is open and ready for business.

Would you like me to endorse Icy Hot? For the right price, the personal recommendation of one Joe Lieberman is yours. Think of the advertisement possibilities: “I am Joe Lieberman, and I single-handedly got the public option removed from Obamacare in 2010. Please use Icy Hot; I use Icy Hot and I like the way it feels on my withered skin. I, Joe Lieberman, personally recommend it to you.”

I do not care the product or its quality. I am ready to tell whomever you wish to purchase it; but only for a price! I want to be clear—I am in this for the cash, and the cash only. I have served my country faithfully and now would like to profit off the enormous trust I have built up with the American people. For what citizen, rich or poor, young or old, would not look to me, Joe Lieberman, for guidance regarding the purchase of consumer goods?

“Please do purchase for yourself a can of Pringles. Crunchy and delicious, I—Joe Lieberman—like the feeling of Pringles on my delicate tongue.” This is an example of an ad at which all would certainly swoon; but only for a great payment will I say for you these magic words. I want the “big bucks,” please and thank you.


—A. Chase