In what experts call a revolutionary new way to combine romance, self-help, and sexual objectification, Jessica Meyers MC ’18, president of the Yale Entrepreneurial Institute and self-described hopeless romantic, has decided to distribute return receipts to men after every date.

“I was inspired by a package I received from Urban Outfitters,” Meyers told The Record. “On the return form, you list the reason for the return, and I thought, ‘Wow, why not just apply this to myself! Since I’m already an object, why not figure out why I keep getting rejected?’”

Meyers has reportedly been “miffed” by men who do not text her after first dates, leaving her wondering what went wrong. “Just like Urban knows what problems customers had with the off-the-shoulder Kimchi Blue sweater, I want to know how I can improve my social performance.”

Meyers supplied a list of the reasons for which men can object to her:

  1. Looked different than image provided (Tinder, Bumble, etc.)
  2. Ordered a duplicate (i.e. already have a woman)
  3. Poor quality/faulty
  4. Improperly sized
  5. Damaged upon arrival
  6. Other; please elaborate below.

“I’m really looking forward to seeing the results,” Meyers said. “With this new information, I can finally do everyone a favor and change myself to fit men’s needs!”


—K. Kidney