WASHINGTON, D.C.––In a startling turn of events this week, economic polling has named the American cookie industry’s top grossing corporation as none other than the Girl Scouts of America (GSA). While the GSA’s product has delighted the nation, the methods behind their success aren’t so sweet.
The GSA enterprise is far from deLite-ful; experts caution that the Girl Scouts have been illegally thin-minting money in all fifty states and surrounding territories — chief among them Samoa, where the government has been plagued by cookie-friendly special interest groups for years. This success, however, has come at the expense of hard-working Americans.
Local baker Johnny Trefoils (Boy Scouts ’87-’93) claims to have been “slapped in the face by the Invisible Oven Mitt.” “I did everything right,” he said of his unsuccessful chocolate cookie enterprise. “I even put on a green vest to sell my Slimmest Mints, but I just can’t crack that glass-tray ceiling.”
The Girl Scouts themselves deny any unethical business practices. “It’s not me; it’s the system,” seven-year-old Julie Caplo told The Record. “If everyone in the country wants to buy from Troop 0922, that just means they have good taste — or that they listened to the telecommunications blast Linda’s mom did for us.”
When pressed, Caplo admitted that her ambitions have no borders. “Our Canadian numbers look promising,” she said. “By the time I’m a grown-up, we’ll have amassed enough capital to have some serious lobbying power in national elections.”
Next week, top GSA officials will testify to Congress, facing accusations of data-mining and radio piracy. At press time, they continue to urge American consumers to “accept all cookies.”