As Kimberlé Crenshaw once said, “The crux of intersectionality is that the Yale Record can’t always engage in discourse about the digital sphere, and the Internet isn’t always funny; thus is the invisible plight of the Yale Record Online”. This week, we come to you from Derna, Libya, a city ravaged by floods with thousands dead and still missing after two dams burst last Saturday following unprecedented rainfall from Storm Daniel. Libyans have the incredibly generous divine assistance of €500 000, but God didn’t particularly approve of their Ark. Thankfully our other God, the religious one, believes in repentance and penance. He listens when Obama says that his “greatest regret” was not preparing for a post-Gaddafi Libya after the 2011 intervention, and He does not judge Western Europe for immediately scrambling to have access to the most oil-rich country in Africa. He accepts that a civil war makes it difficult for a country to build flood infrastructure, and He forgives. I am struck by a powerful quote:
“Oil is very different from water,” muses former Italian foreign minister Mr. Frattini. “Oil can be put toward useful things, like tanks. Water just kills people”.
Speaking of oil and water, Kim Jong Un and Putin met Wednesday to talk about boys and giggle on the phone with their feet waving. Putin, in his typical understanding of risk and scale, asked for some spare bullets in exchange for a viable North Korean nuclear program. UN delegates deliberated for over four days and nights in a sleepless caucus on how to deal with the crisis and came to the desperate, last-minute agreement to increase sanctions. Both leaders pledged to “fight imperialism” together and then batted their eyes at each other and said “but not you though”. After the meeting, liberals compared the two to evil Harry Potter characters on Twitter (now X).
Speaking of wizardry, a Mexican journalist and UFO enthusiast Jaime Maussan conjured two alien corpses at an unprecedented congressional hearing on extraterrestrial life. Mexican lawmakers were seen sweating and fidgeting as he mentioned that “though all previous findings have been mutilated pre-Hispanic children”, he could affirm that these were very different and he had performed “rigorous DNA, RNA, genetics, and science tests”. A congresswoman was seen hiding her reptilian tail as she accused him of being a pedophile and a gun-loving xenophobe. Maussan was swiftly detained later that evening and the corpses disappeared from airtight glass cases overnight.
Speaking of ridiculous conspiracy theories, some fans have been suspecting that Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Furness’ recent divorce was a long time coming. Most were outraged: “does the institution of marriage mean nothing?” asked Taylor, 33, a graduate student living alone, after rewatching Portrait of a Lady on Fire for the third time. Also in pop scandals, British comedian Russell Brand has been accused of sexual assault and rape by four separate women. He has described the attacks as “rather baroque”, which is not a word I would use for accusations of sexual assault and rape by four separate women. Also in baroque, the Rolling Stones are releasing a new album next month. The album will be forty-eight minutes of an out-of-touch Mick Jagger trying to revive his old dance hits of the late 2000s and early 2010s. Also in staying true to one’s self, comedian Hasan Minhaj has come under fire for his distinction between “emotional truths” and “factual truths” he employs in his stand-up specials. Hasan Minhaj majored in political science.
Here at Yale, the semester is underway. The bugs have hidden for the fall and the bug-eyed have come out. Yale Hospitality has completed a silent replacement of all the Coke Wrongthink with Pepsi Doubleplusgood. We lost our game of Men’s Club Soccer 2 against Wesleyan, with a yellow card. Oh, and Peter Salovey is leaving Yale after finally completing his Bachelor’s degree.
Listen FOLK, the Perspective is back. We at the ONLINE are coming to you via newsletter now, so you may have never ever read it before. Go scroll through our wonderful website! I will crawl back to my hole now.
– J. Mansfield