I know I said I’d keep you in suspense about whether I accept the results of the election. I love suspense. It’s a tremendous dramatic device. It’s like a two-part finale of The Apprentice, you just can’t wait for the second part. Who’s gonna be fired? Gary Busey. Who’s gonna be el presidente? I’ll tell you.

Let me say something here. I can’t, I can’t make you wait. I just can’t. So I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m gonna be President.

How am I gonna be President, you ask? I’ll tell you how. I was never not President. That’s right. I never said those things. All those nasty things that that nasty crooked woman came up with. I never insulted Mexicans. I never insulted the Blacks. I love the Blacks. I never said those things about those unfortunate women. I never had sexual relations with that woman. All these sentences are so good. You won’t believe it, they’re so good.

In fact, this whole campaign never happened. People are asking themselves, what has been consuming news stations and haunting their dreams all year? I’ll tell you: It was all lies crafted by Crooked Hillary and her sleazy campaign. All of it. Lies. I’ve been President this whole time.

But let me say one more thing: President Obama has been just terrible.


–L. Unsworth