1. Don’t let fear stop you!
  2. Yell, “O.M.G., I know you!” to everyone you pass. If you’re lucky, someone will be embarrassed enough to not correct you. Look, you started a conversation!
  3. Apologize to the large, shirtless man who ran into you. No big deal — it was your fault for standing there. Make sure he’s okay, and in the meantime ask his residential college and year. You already have so much to discuss!
  4. Let someone know that their aroma, a beautiful blend of sweat and cheap beer (mostly foam), is really doing it for you. Ask them if Macy’s sells it and, if so, what aisle?
  5. Unstick your shoes from the soggy hardwood floor and play a fun guessing game: You and a new friend can easily narrow down what mix of substances is covering the new shoes you bought to impress your college friends by performing a blind taste test.
  6. Stand in a corner and hope someone approaches you. The law of large numbers is on your side! Two lovebirds may try to steal your domain, but their grinding shouldn’t stop you. Ask for their residential college and year.
  7. Strike up a conversation about Yale’s investment strategies. Remind everyone that their tuition is being funneled into private prisons where near-slave labor is used to make the cheap products that they buy! No matter the circumstances, people always want to be reminded of the moral and ethical quandaries associated with attending this institution.
  8. Yell across the room, “Is James here?!” Don’t worry — there’s always a James there. He will be your friend.
  9. Don’t go.

—C. Prendergast