As a New Haven local (I’ve lived here for four months), I’ve been shocked by the number of fellow first-years foreign to the Northeast’s cold weather. It’s dire out here, guys—here’s a guide to help you blend in like a true New England native this winter.
1. Buy A Jacket
Be warned: the wrong coat could mean frozen bones or ending up on a niche fashion crimes Instagram page. Avoid both with a quality down coat. I’m talking real fur—ideally lynx—but chinchilla can be an okay replacement in a pinch. If you’re feeling too lazy to haggle with @FurFanatic69 on FurRealDeals.net, just take a quick day trip to Naugatuck State Forest and defeat a coyote with your bare hands to harvest its pelt. You won’t get any fashion points, but it will definitely make people too scared to point and laugh at you.
2. Make A Deal With The Winter Spirit
Once again, you’ll have to travel a little off-campus, but I promise it’s worth it. The Winter Spirit lives in the Ikea on Long Wharf, and if you can appease her, she will make the winter months tolerable for you. All you must do is deliver her three live rodents, a lock of hair, and a Nature Valley granola bar. Leave these items in any drawer of her chic, modern display to have a winter of warmth and plentitude.
3. Listen To The Wind
Stepping out into the icy wind, you might curse it or retreat to your dorm. But the wind isn’t your enemy—it’s a misunderstood creature lashing out in desperation. Pause, face it, and offer a hand of peace; maybe it’ll remember its softer side. It will slow its icy spiral and instead come softly to your ear, murmuring its greatest wisdom: “So, uh, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty…”
Have a great winter!
–S. Lanz
