Let’s say your girlfriend—who, frankly, might be a little jealous—accuses you of cheating on her with your daughter. I’m sure you would never dream of doing this, even if she is a “piece of ass.” Still, if she targets you with such an unfounded and ridiculous allegation, this is how to win the argument.
- Mew: No matter what she says, whenever she is talking, mew at her. Close your mouth, push your tongue against the roof of your mouth, and look at her, head on. If you’re half as good-looking as me—some people say I’m the best looking, by the way—then your cheekbones, your jawline, they’ll be so sharp, she’ll lose her train of thought. No more of her distasteful, appalling remarks.
- Use the imaginary subjunctive: Alright folks, let me tell you, this is a tried and true trick—one of the best tricks—to confuse your opponent—I mean, girlfriend. Let’s say she says, “How would you end the war in Ukraine and Russia?” You should use the imaginary subjunctive, and say “If I was the president, the war would never have started.” Another example — if she says, “How could you ruin the sanctity of our relationship?” You should say, “If I was in a relationship with you, there wouldn’t even be any sanctity to begin with!” This will teach her a lesson.
- Make yourself known: Here’s the deal—no matter what nasty, bitter garbage she spews at you, she should never forget exactly who you are. If the imaginary subjunctive somehow didn’t work, and she said, “How could you ruin our relationship?” again, I would say “I am the most well-respected, most feared, most dangerous man in the world.” Of course, this doesn’t answer her question, but that’s what makes the response so brilliant, so complex, so beautiful. You might not be able to use the same description for yourself, so you could say, “I am the second most well-respected man in the world, singly behind President Donald Trump.” Or you could say, “I am the most well-respected dairy farm owner in this town,” or whatever other title fits you best. And trust me, she’ll be flustered when reminded who exactly she’s dealing with, and she’ll realize that making enemies with the most well-respected dairy farm owner in this town could resign her to a life of watery nut-based “milk.”
- “Quiet, please!”: Shut her up with this. If you need a break from listening to her squeaky, feminine voice, use this polite and respectable statement and watch how quickly it works. Add a finger wag for best results.
- Well-connected man: You are a well-connected man. It’s important, and she needs to know it. If she accuses you of being friends with terrorists, fire back with, “I know Abdul, the leader of the Taliban, very well. I text him pictures of his house, now and again.” In the cheating situation, you could say “I know my daughter very well, I raised her, now and again. She has a beautiful body, by the way. Everyone says so. And why? It’s because of me, I created her.” The objective is not to calm her down or even convince her otherwise, but simply to show her how deep your relationships run. It’s tremendous.
- By a Lot: At the end, seal the deal. Post on X or Facebook or simply text her, any way to create a historical and digital record, that you “WON THIS, BY A LOT.” The “BY A LOT,” is crucial, folks, because it makes it clear that you not only won, but you won by a lot.
–T. Bhat
