Report: Psychologist Caught Molding Patients’ Personalities To Resemble His Ex-Wife

NEW HAVEN, CT –– Last Thursday, the Connecticut State Board of Psychology revoked the license of clinical psychologist Dr. Carl Jenkins after discovering that he had been attempting to warp his patients’ personalities and appearances into those of his ex-wife Bertha.

“Okay, okay, guilty as charged,” confessed Dr. Jenkins in an exclusive interview. “Sure, I encouraged my patients to get Botox, and as a doctor, I offered to administer it to them myself. Hell yeah, I told them to use BlackBerries and switch to Cricket Wireless. You bet your sweet ass I told them to call me a pig to my face.” 

The first indication of Dr. Jenkins’ misconduct was a 43% increase in membership at the local bridge club. Suspicions mounted after authorities noted a significant uptick in cardigan purchases throughout the city. 

In its official statement on this scandal, the State Board declared: “Manipulating one’s patients is a clear ethical violation. The practice of psychology is supposed to relieve the patients’ stress, whereas Dr. Jenkins’ patients reported worsened anxiety as a result of their prescribed chunky jewelry and mandated rudeness to waiters.”

However, a disgraced Dr. Jenkins continues to defend his actions. “I just really miss my ex-wife,” he maintained. “We had unbelievable sex. Both times were so good that I can hardly pick a favorite.”

Bertha, Dr. Jenkin’s ex-wife, was unavailable for comment. “I am unavailable for comment,” she stated, her voice crackling due to her spotty Cricket Wireless coverage, “I will not be making any comments. Not even one.” 

Dr. Jenkins prematurely ended this interview by drawing a Swiss army knife on our reporter when she declined to bedazzle her hat.  

–A. Golden