This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue
- Practice the rousing slam poem you’ll perform upon release to finally earn the respect of your assailants.
- Bulk up so that the next time they try this, you can seduce them into having sex with you instead.
- Think about how overcoming this adversity will ultimately empower you to write a mediocre Common App essay.
- Signal for help by lighting a road flare, or, if a road flare is not available, screaming.
- Put your assailants in metaphorical boxes as retribution, for example, “dumb jocks” or “bad teachers.”
- Camp out. This is sure as hell better than algebra!
- Evaluate your performance as principal thus far.
—K. Mazer
