People say “You should eat fruit instead of cookies.†I say “It’s difficult.†They say “How so?†I write a list of…
The Most Delicious and Difficult North American Fruit As Told By Miss Nola Cooks (Featuring Strawberry)
Preface: “Seed” grapes you were close to making this list. Keep it up.
Cherries:You make me uncomfortable in social situations. I don’t like spitting out pits in front of people. You can’t just spit out the pits anywhere you like, so there has to be a “Pit Bowl.” That’s just disgusting. The word “pits†makes me uncomfortable. Cherries, it’s just all around uncomfortable.
Pineapple:YOU HAVE EYES! I HAVE TO CUT OUT YOUR EYES TO EAT YOU!
Kiwi: Okay kiwi. You’re tiny. I get it. I’ve been there. We’ve all felt tiny at some point, but being covered by prickly brown hair? I don’t know and I don’t think so. Not in my mouth. And what? I’m not going try and trim off all that skin! I don’t want to chance it and waste all your sweet and tangy material. How do you want me to eat you? Which utensil do you want me to use? A spoon?! Don’t treat me like a child. Sometimes you leave my mouth itchy. This is upsetting as well.
Watermelon: So much water! You are so sloppy! I like to have my fruit prepared neatly. The amount of work that goes into cutting you up is insane! YEESH! You get all over my face and hands. I don’t like the slurping sounds I make whilst eating you. Get a grip!
Orange:Oranges, you actually are just little balls of citrus and hate. Sometimes I have cuts on my hands and your liquid stings me. No one likes that, oranges. You can be very delicious and very juicy, but you resist me with your rough tough peel. It upsets me. Gravely.
Pomegranate: Why, pomegranate? Why do you do this?You are the most delicious fruit of them all. Your seeds are encapsuled by sacred beads of juice. But let’s face it: You, pomegranate, are a lie. You are shell. The promise of your essence is far too great. Never speak to me again. It’s done. Dead to me. You are.
And as for Strawberry: Don’t get me started.
—Nola Cooks is a comedian living and writing in Toronto, Canada. Follow her on Twitter: @goldenave.
