This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.
TORONTO, ON—In a move unthinkable just fifteen short years ago, luxury winter wear brand Canada Goose has named Garry Olstead, who identifies as a “goose-man” and is covered in feathers and has the head of a goose, as its newest spokesman. Olstead will become the first part-bird member of Canada Goose’s exclusive cadre of Canadian heroes known as “Goose People.”
“As proud as we’ve been of our previous Goose People spokesmen, like champion Iditarod musher Lance Mackey and endurance Arctic athlete Ray Zahab, they were only goose people in name. We felt it was time to recognize the innumerable contributions real goose people have made to the brand,” said Canada Goose CEO Dani Reiss at a press conference Tuesday. “Canada Goose has killed a shit ton of birds to make our jackets. Now it’s time to make amends.”
With this new face of Canada Goose comes a new brand philosophy. As Reiss explained, “After using real goose down in our parkas for decades, we know that Canada Goose is under quite the ethical debt. It’s time for the company to turn a corner. As such, we’re proud to announce we’ll now be making all our jackets with goose-safe, synthetic down, and outfitting them with leather and ruffs made from human hands and scalps.”
After the comments, Reiss posed for photographs with Olstead, who sported the company’s new half-“goose,” half-human jacket. When asked for comment, Olstead hissed vigorously before kind of just spraying the stage with shit.
At press time, Olstead was giving chase to reporters while unfurling his spined, corkscrew goose penis.
—C. Baciocco