This ravishing new season of the Golden Bachelor is sponsored by Werther’s Originals and Depend Adult Diapers – Both now Medicaid-eligible!

The Bachelor: 

Peter Salovey: This semi-eligible hunk is ready to finally find a love that can last! He is sixty-five years young, a real catch for all the ladies in their eighties, and a father figure to 6645 college students. Not only that, he invented the concept of “emotional intelligence” – your local pool boy can’t compete with that.

The Contestants:

Lola: She was a showgirl, but that was thirty years ago (back when they used to have a show). Don’t think her age stops her from partying! She’s got faded feathers in her hair and is still in that dress she used to wear, rumored to have scents of old perfume and mildew. She’s a lot of fun when she’s not talking about her ex, Tony.

Tom Brady: This recently retired football player is excited to get back onto the (dating) field! He fumbled love a few times in his past, but maybe our Bachelor can pump up his deflated heart. After years of people telling him he’s too old to keep doing what he loves, it seems he’s finally found a niche that works in his favor.

Bingo Ladies: These five ladies decided to take turns with this season’s catch tapping in for one another mid-episode. Although they’re similar, they’re not legally allowed in the same room together after the Jacksonville Bingo Hall incident of 2002. Jane, Mary, Beth Ann, Barb, and Barb would do anything (really, anything) to win Peter’s heart.

Justin Trudeau: This recently-single world leader just wants someone who will tell him he is doing a great job as Prime Minister. No one expects perfection, and it’s absolutely fine that he lives in his father’s shadow.

King Charles and Queen Camilla: As the first duo in the history of The Bachelor franchise, these two are hoping to add another heart to the family relics. These two crazy cats are eager to spice up their marriage, but it’s hard to tell if they actually like Peter or derive some twisted pleasure from seeing Dia– I mean Maria – suffer!

Jennifer Coolidge: A wildly successful professional in her own right, she was named Harvard’s Woman of the Year in 2023 (enemies to lovers to friends with benefits is all we can ask for). We’ve dressed Peter up in red, white, and blue for the occasion and he looks just like the Fourth of July… 

Maria Moret: Still married to Peter and is not happy about this arrangement at all.

– B. Soti