1. A chilled glass of water with cucumber and lemon, to start the day off fresh
  2. Your ex-wife’s custody papers, to fill the hole she left in your life when she broke your heart and took the kids
  3. Three protein-rich eggs, scrambled, to give you the strength to keep it together until lunch
  4. The remaining nine eggs from the carton, thrown at your kids who chose to live with their mother and didn’t know a good thing when they had it!
  5. A tropical smoothie, for a sweet but responsible treat
  6. Vegetables from your no-good lump of an ex-wife Jenna’s vegetable garden that she planted with your neighbor Jeff, who you knew wasn’t just being friendly and had nothing but bad intentions when he joined the Cul-de-sac book club
  7. Half a grapefruit, for additional Vitamin C
  8. Your mutinous children’s multivitamins, to deprive them of modern medicine’s health benefits and for additional Vitamin C
  9. Kale, for a lean source of calcium and because it’s all Jeff grows in his stupid vegetable garden at your ex-wife’s house
  10. An entire family-sized Chicago-style deep dish pizza, because your children would rather get sushi with Jeff, who “still has his license” and “doesn’t smell like birdseed and mayonnaise”
  11. Birdseed and mayonnaise, because you’re a grown man and you can do what you want!
  12. A scoop of low-fat ice cream, because everyone needs a cheat day and You. Deserve. It.
  13. Ginger tea served in the World’s Best Father Mug your son bought you, the only asset you kept in the divorce
  14. Killing your seditious, child-stealing former neighbor Jeff with a shovel and burying him in his own vegetable garden, where the leafy greens your ex-wife uses in her salads will eagerly slurp up the valuable nutrients of his decaying body (one ingredient recipe, perfect for nights when you have nothing in the fridge, zero calories, gluten-free)
  15. Beets.

—D. Alberts