This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.
What’s up, my name is Bob Iger, and I’m the CEO of Disney, your boss. Normally this is a fun company full of laughs and adventures, but not today. It has recently come to my attention that some of you have been saying that Mickey Mouse has gonorrhea. This is so immature that it is not even funny. The other day in the Disney Cafeteria I heard an intern say to his friends that actually, it hurts when Mickey Mouse pees because he has the clap. And also the other day, which was a different day, my wife Willow was watching a Youtube video called “5 Things You Didn’t Know About Mickey Mouse” which said that he experiences discharge from his penis. What the fuck? This has never been true. Mickey has always been the picture of health. For anyone who disagrees I will see you in my office right after this because I am going to fire you. My kids are grown so I don’t have to worry about them hearing this shit, but some of you do not have that luxury, which means it is in your best interest to hit this right square in the puss and stop this rumor from spreading any further. It goes without saying that I am too rich to be dealing with this. Well, that was all I wanted to say about this. Have a great day.
—J. Houston