This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

FUSCHL AM SEE, AUSTRIA — On October 14, 2012, Red Bull teamed up with atmospheric scientists to fly Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner 37,640 meters into the air for what would soon be the highest skydive ever completed. Nearly seven years later, Red Bull will try to recreate the magic of that momentous event by putting Craig Styppman, a 54-year-old insurance broker from Scottsdale, AZ, 37,640 meters into the ground, in what will be the deepest hole ever dug.

“First, we’ll lower Craig down in a special elevator,” explained Red Bull CEO Dietrich Mateschitz. “Then we’re just going to, you know, leave him down there for a while.” Red Bull anticipates a livestream audience of millions.

“The event will no doubt bolster Red Bull’s image as an energy drink for the audaciously-minded,” said Mateschitz. “We can only imagine what sorts of daring feats he’ll undertake down there, be it pacing or planning what to do with the insurance money if it becomes one of those Thai kid situations.”

When asked how he felt about being lowered into a 100,000-foot abyss as a corporate spectacle, Styppman, speaking to reporters from the front yard of his Arizona home, was optimistic. “I’m not doing it for the fame, the posterity, or the chance to redefine what it means to hit rock bottom, which I previously considered the morning I woke up naked on the floor of Filthy Frank’s Fuck Factory,” Styppman said. “I’m doing it for all those boys and girls out there whose parents told them they would never have what it takes to be lowered into a hole.”

“When I grow up, I want to be just like Mr. Styppman,” said five-year-old Red Bull enthusiast and Styppman neighbor Susie Prutswell, who, after shotgunning a six-pack of the beverage, proceeded to sprint three laps around her backyard before passing out in one of the “practice holes” she had dug that morning.

Footage from Styppman’s feat will be the centerpiece of the company’s advertising campaign for Red Bull Jr., marketed to three to twelve-year-olds. According to Mateschitz, the product “surprisingly failed as many FDA tests as all of our other products. Wait, forget I said that. Crap. Actually, if you could step into this 37,640 meter elevator for a second…”


—D. Schifrin