This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.
Dear PepsiCo Shareholders,
I would like to address recent reports concerning the effect of Mountain Dew products on testicle size. Last week, Snopes.com cited an unsubstantiated study claiming that “regular consumption of Mountain Dew beverage can decrease testicle radius by around 37% (S.D. = 4%) and testicle mass by 84% (S.D. = 65%). The effect is exponential with consumption.”
These unverified claims have led to several lawsuits, including one from a man named Kevin Watkins who claims that as a result of unchecked Mountain Dew consumption, both of his testicles were completely obliterated in a car crash. He says had he not drank Mountain Dew for the last thirty years, his testicles would have been “easily robust enough to withstand the impact of a forty-ton eighteen-wheeler.” Watkins is seeking nearly $700 in medical costs as well as $30 million in emotional damages. In addition, among communities with high consumption rates of the beverage, there have been surges in use of the hashtag “#notmyballs” as well as Google searches for “shrunken balls (hairy pics only),” “Deflategate 2.0,” and “how do I tell where my penis ends and my testicles begin?”
I would like to be the first to deny these allegations. Mountain Dew does not shrink your balls; it merely reduces sperm count. I should know: my 63-year-old husband Raj has not impregnated me in nearly ten years. Population control has always been our first priority here at PepsiCo, not testicular reduction. This is the message we have been trying to send our consumers for the past eighty years, and if we haven’t made that clear, we’re going to need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
Incidentally, if consumers want to shrink their balls, they should try our delicious Tropicana Some Pulp Grapefruit Juice®.
Chairwoman of PepsiCo