This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

  1. Your pocket: Check your pocket for your keys! Pretty sure you left your keys in your pocket. I’m almost certain that that’s where your keys are at this very moment.
  2. Your pocket: Okay, I understand where you’re coming from, but I will add that not 10 minutes ago you said out loud, to no one in particular, “I’ll keep these jangly babies in here for safe-keeping, hehehe.” You then proceeded to drop your keys into your pocket. So maybe we try that option again? Not saying I don’t believe you, just seems like they’re probably in your pocket.
  3. Your jacket pocket: Okay fine, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they’re in your jacket and not your pants. Seems unlikely, given you haven’t put on your jacket in days, but hell, why not, right? I’m not even going to mention the fact that, legally-speaking, you’re not allowed to drive anymore. The last time you were behind the wheel you fell asleep, then suddenly jolted upright, hit 90 in a school zone, and yelled “I’m not going back to ‘Nam!” Please check your pocket.
  4. Your pocket: Okay, listen buddy. Not trying to be weird, but I can literally see the outline of your keys in your pants pocket. Goddamnit, if you’re not going to get those keys then how about I just—holy shit. Are you okay, man? Oh, shit, are you having a heart attack right now? Oh my god, okay, okay, calm down. I’m calling an ambulance right now to take us to the nearest hospital. Wait…you didn’t happen to see my phone anywhere, did you?   


—M. Blaney