This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue
As a hard-living middle-aged record executive, I am often asked to inhabit the minds of teenagers to understand just what makes them tick. But if there’s one thing I neither know nor give a single flying fuck about, it’s whether teens, or as I call them, “the target demographic,” think Pete Davidson is “hot.” All I care about is whether I can use the tabloid supernova that is his relationship with Ariana Grande to promote Sweetener, available to stream on Spotify and Apple Music, and on vinyl at shop.arianagrande.com.
Listen, I’ve never purported to know what makes teens “horned up.” All I know is that if we say this album has “Big Dick Superpowers” or some shit like that, we’re going to be selling copies for a long, long time. So if Pete can help us do that, I don’t give a fuck if he imagines his dad dying in 9/11 to keep from busting a load inside his (God is a) woman. In fact, that mental image does not bother me in the slightest. As long as he and Ariana are still dating, I literally couldn’t care less about his personal, physical, or spiritual well-being. And if they break up, well, let’s just say he could die for all I care. I felt the same way about that Mac guy, whatever he’s up to now.
But, come on, what are the odds that they break up? They’re relationship is built on such a solid foundation: five weeks of intense public scrutiny and personal trauma. It looks like Pete’s going to be around for a while in both me and Ari’s lives. So even though I could give two shits whether the teens want to “stuff him,” I guess I should get used to the sight of those prominently flared nostrils; those long, luxurious limbs and even longer, more luxurious penis; those sunken eyes, like those of a brooding World War I poet or that kid in middle school who used to crush Monster cans against his head, historical figures I find equally sexy. Look at me, getting aroused. I guess I know what makes teens “horned up” after all.
—M. Kreutter