This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue


So you’re 6 months into having your first email address and wondering why you haven’t received any messages yet. Well, dumbass, it sounds like you missed a pretty crucial step: checking your inbox! Follow these four simple tips to unlock the full technological power of the late 20th century:


  1. First, log in, open your inbox, and, get this, click on “Unread emails.” Boom. Photos from your last family reunion before your favorite cousin ran away to pursue a fishmongering career? Check. A crime report about some petty robberies in your neighborhood? What is this, a police state? Spam! Nigerian Prince needs help looking for his family? Tragic. Better mark that as important!
  2. Woah, woah, woah, you think you’re done? Hold your horses buddy. This is only the second step. What you need to do next is have some damn empathy and reply to the esteemed prince. Out of everyone in the world with an email address, he chose to ask you for help, so you sure as hell better reply.
  3. The next step is to actually meet up with the prince since, like he said in his email, it’s really a lot easier to talk in person, especially while you’re still getting the hang of this whole email thing. So just wait in that alley behind the CVS where he conducts his diplomatic affairs until he gets back from the consulate.  
  4. Suddenly, a bearded, bare-ass naked man with a fishing rod bursts out of the CVS dumpster.  Sweet mother of Jesus: it’s your long-lost cousin! Turns out he’s been been robbing kids all over town and sending emails to every contact on their phones just to find you. You’re not sure why he needed to impersonate a Nigerian Prince, but none of that matters now because you’ve finally set up your brand new email address. Internet FTW!


—D. Hou