This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue


Industrial Europe: Breathing in toxic coal fumes as you labor in the mines.

Mayan Empire: Doing peyote in the back room of the sacrificial temple.

Renaissance Italy: Huffing fresco oil in the Sistine Chapel.

Mongol Empire: Huffing fermented yak milk in your yurt.

Medieval Europe: Licking bubonic plague victims in the monk’s quarters.

Feudal Japan: Disrespecting your elders.

Roman Empire: Inhaling the smoke of barbarian villages set aflame as the Gauls run in fear from your mighty legions, FOR YOU ARE CAESAR, AND YOU DEMAND TRIBUTE!

Paleolithic Era: Huffing boar shit.

Early 2000s: Smoking crack in the teachers’ lounge. Kids these days are soft.


—E. Fogarty