This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue

HEAVEN—In a letter sent to H.P. Littleton Middle School last Friday with return address “The Domain of the Lord,” Jesus Christ begged students not to save room for him at the school’s upcoming sixth grade dance.

“Please, please do not save space for me between your bodies. I will not be in attendance,” Jesus wrote. “Stymying three hundred 12-year-olds’ sexual awakening is not my idea of a ‘chill Friday night.’”

“If anyone is interested in a spiritual awakening, though, you know where to find me,” he added.

The letter has left Littleton’s administration reeling as they scramble to find a new safeguard for students’ chastity. “Right now the only thing keeping them at bay is body odor,” reported soccer coach Dianne Green. “Hell, we might have to squeeze in there ourselves.”

In spite of prayers from Littleton parents and health teachers alike, Jesus has maintained that he would “rather go up on the cross again than get nailed between two prepubescent horndogs.” Meanwhile, Little students have lauded the almighty redeemer for “not being a total cockblock.”

“We’ve kind of accepted that it’s going to be a grindfest,” reported Principal Anna Carson. “All I can say is that the precum is on your hands, Jesus. The precum is on your hands.”


—L. Kingsley