1. He loves picking you up by the scruff of your neck.
  2. He refuses to call an exterminator for the raccoon in the attic, claiming he can “dominate it all by himself.”
  3. He’s all for horseplay.
  4. He is banned for life from the San Diego Zoo but refuses to talk about it beyond mentioning that he “tried to have sex with one of the animals.”
  5. He hates starring as Old Deuteronomy in Cats on Broadway because he “doesn’t like to shit where he eats.”  
  6. He gave you one of his fur coats to wear to prom and then purred when you put it on.
  7. He often reminisces about his days at the San Diego Zoo before he was banned for “trying to have sex with one of the animals.”
  8. He loves you like the human son he never expected to have.

—A. Zbornak