1. Call for help! It’s important not to be stuck in the woods all alone as the rash sets in.

2. Head back to camp at a brisk pace, and keep your eyes and ears open to your surroundings. Don’t be afraid to go off trail and take a few shortcuts!

3. If you hear whispers telling you where to go, you should listen. They will probably be more helpful than any map!

4. Wander deeper into the woods. Don’t worry about that rash. Listen to the voices in the trees.

5. Cut off your left hand as an offering to the dormant forest god and use your right hand to set it aflame in the branches of the primordial oak tree, freeing the benevolent Lord that has been shackled inside for millennia. Now He will rule the forest once again: It will be shaped into a more perfect land, and all its creatures will bow to their rightful king. Soon, this ancient god will extend his merciless grip to the rest of the world. Every drop of water, every fallen leaf –– all will join His righteous domain. He is unstoppable.

6. Scrub the affected area with soap and water.

— A. Hagens

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