We’ve all been there: Someone finds out you go to Yale, and the same laundry list of questions inevitably follows. Here are the five questions all Yalies are sick and tired of answering:


  1. “Where is the body, Elliot? Is it somewhere on campus?”

Here we go. Every Yalie knows this question all too well, and the series of inquiries that will undoubtedly follow.


  1. “Elliot, a number of witnesses have testified that you entered Sterling Memorial Library on the night in question completely doused in blood. They were able to identify you because you were allegedly chanting your SID in a “ritualistic” fashion, claiming you had been possessed by the Pagan daimon Punor. Do you have an alibi for the night of February 3, 2017?”

Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that one…


  1. “Elliot, I’m going to give you one last chance: Where is the body?”

Some people are a little too persistent. For the last time, just because I attend one of the most prestigious universities in the world doesn’t mean I know all the answers to your random questions!


  1. “Elliot Nadeau Connors, you are under arrest for homicide. You have the right to remain silent. Should you refuse this right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you by the court. Do you understand what I have just said to you?”

It seems like Yalies can’t go anywhere without hearing this one—supermarkets, grocery stores, Stop and Shop. It would just be nice if we could wear Yale apparel without constantly drawing this same string of questions.


  1. “Why, Elliot? Why?”

The better question is: “Why, Punor?”


—E. Connors